| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|03:08 pm] |
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I haven't updated this in a while. Here's a shocker - there's absolutely nothing different going on in my life. Stay tuned for more developments - here's a cliffhanger. I have gas. |
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| When it rains, it fucking POURS. |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|11:42 am] |
Wow. I have had a HELL of a week. My dog gets his back broken, goes into surgery. My friend gets hit by a car and has a SCARY close call in the hospital (fractured skull, kidney failure). I can't visit or do anything because it's all up north. My car breaks down completely (head gasket shot to shit) and I have to get a car somehow this wkd with absolutely no cash (hello financing). Finally, I break down and go see my ex because I'm freaking out about all these prior things. I find out that he's dating some Korean chick which pissed me off to no end because I think I gave him a fetish. So I sleep with him.
Great. |
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| Dog Troubles |
[Mar. 30th, 2005|09:50 am] |
My miniature dachsund at home named Sumo got in a pretty bad accident. He was running around in the backyard and I think he tripped on a gopher hole, and he basically ripped his spine open. I called the vet to find out what happened, and he said that Sumo ruptured one of the discs in his back, and some fluid got out (very painful) and my mom delayed a night of taking him to the hospital because she didn’t understand how serious it was. He was in horrific pain, but now he can’t feel anything. As a result, Sumo is paralyzed from the waist down. My mom called me and said that she was going to have to put Sumo down, and I was freaking out and I called the doctor. He said that Sumo is actually in no pain anymore because he's friggin' paralyzed. Basically, he would have to get one of those little carts and my mom would have to learn how to use a catheter so he could relieve himself.
But my mom told him she couldn’t afford the surgery, so they didn’t do anything for him all day. Even if he got surgery that moment, there’s only a 25-50% chance that he’d be able to walk again. I told him that I would pay for it (Five thousand dollars), and I would set up a payment plan/loan/whatever. I was pretty much bawling at my desk at WORK at this point, because I was so upset that this happened – and because my mom let this happen. I know it’s not her fault, but it broke my heart to think that Sumo was in pain all night and his legs could have been saved if she had taken him right away. I was also really upset because my mom was so ready to have him put down. I talked to her later, and she explained that she was going to put him down because she thought he was in pain – but since he’s now paralyzed, he has no pain. My co-workers overheard everything because this office is so tiny. I finally closed my door and crawled under my desk and called Lisa, crying my ass off. I talked my mom into letting me pay for the operation, to at least give him a chance of walking again. And I explained to her that he wasn't in any kind of horrific pain, so she shouldn't put him down.
Anyways, I found out that my co-worker told my boss about everything. Hopefully she left out the part where I was crying hysterically. Since Dick (my boss) is a HUGE animal lover and a big softie, he called me to tell me that he’d pay for the entire operation. I was so touched, I started bawling again. My mom didn't believe that they'd really do it until my co-worker called them and just told 'em to put it on his credit card. Then SHE started bawling at the hospital. He had the surgery yesterday morning and the doctor told me that rather than just 25%; Sumo now has 85% chance of walking again after a couple of months. Apparently he had broken his back in TWO places. One of them was an old fracture that had never been taken care of - quite common in dachsunds. And this is what happens when man plays God with animals...dogs were never meant to be so elongated. Anyways, I LOVE my boss. He's the nicest guy in the entire world. It meant the world to me that he would step up like that.
On the bright side, if the surgery doesn’t work, I’m going to get him one of those bitchin’ little carts. And I’ll paint it bright red and put flame decals on the side. I'm also thinking about telling my friend at Mtv to get him on PIMP MY RIDE. Seriously, how fucking funny would that be? Watching Xzibit pimp out a little tiny cart for a dachshund with little tiny rims, and hydraulics. I think they'd do it just to be funny.
(pre-broken back of course) |
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| Britney's Magic Trick |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|01:38 pm] |
OK, I just had to post this because it looks like Britney is magically pulling her chihuahua out of the gaping vagina between her legs. I realize that it's just thigh-fat, and not really a vagina, but hey - it looks like it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|11:03 pm] |
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You shouldn't be allowed to say that you're fascinated with metaphysics, unless you can actually spell it. It's metA- not metE-. Ass. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2004|01:47 pm] |
When it was announced this past summer that Jay-Z was ending his involvement in Roc-A-Fella Records and the Rocawear clothing line, there were whispers of a strained relationship. Now Jay-Z is about to take the next step by going into business on his own with a brand of booze to compete against Dash's Armandale vodka.
"Jay is about to launch his own line of cognac with Grey Goose," said our source. "This seems innocuous, but it is his first real venture without Damon. He does not want Damon to be a part of it."
Jay-Z's cognac will have some competition from Roc-A-Fella rapper Cam'ron, who told Women's Wear Daily he's also launching a cognac: "It's called Sizzurp. You know, like, syrup with an izzurp." It is not known whether Dash is partners with Cam'ron in the hip-hop hooch.
What's funnier? A shitty, badly named cognac that tastes like syrup, or the fact that a rapper was interviewed by Women's Wear Daily. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2004|07:47 am] |
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This last post was brought to you by the friendly people at Starbucks. Killing millions of people every day by caffeine, caffeine-induced rants, and their respective fallouts. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2004|07:46 am] |
Haven't updated in a while because there hasn't been anything worth updating for. It's just "blah blah blah I'm busy, boring movie this, lame ass actor that". I get bored just typing about how boring it iszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*snort*. Which isn't to say that I haven't been accessing LJ at all because I religiously read YOUR udpates and am living vicariously through all of you. Oh, that's right. Every "friends" page that I'm popping up on right now, I read your shit on a somewhat daily basis.
Wait, is that creepy? Don't stop typing! Please? That's right, let me lull you in a false sense of security until I go all SWWF (Single WhiteWashed Female) on you and show up at your place of work looking and talking exactly like you and ursurping your life because I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
Moohahaahahahahahaha....
God I need to get out more. |
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| Someone take my eyes, please. |
[Sep. 22nd, 2004|11:56 pm] |
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My downstairs neighbor has a huge window into his kitchen - from floor to ceiling. He's got blinds, but I don't think he knows how they work because I saw him cooking butt nekkid at the stove. Ouch? Ew? Scarily enough, when I came back about two hours later from dinner, he was STILL butt nekkid in the kitchen, but according to Chris, he was flossing his teeth. (I was too scared to look.) It's not like I'm deliberately looking into the kitchen, it's situated so that I can't NOT look into the kitchen if I'm leaving my apartment. All I saw was huge man-bush. I think I'm gonna puke. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|04:30 pm] |
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We're consolidating offices and my boss is giving me the TV that's on this side of the office. At first i thought she was talking about the 13 inch one in my office and I thought, Gosh that's nice. Then I realized she was talking about the one in the conference room. HOLY FUCK. It is almost 5 feet tall (up to my chin at least) and 5 feet wide. Where the FUCK am I going to put it? I may hollow it out and just live inside of it to save rent. During the summer I will put on puppet shows to entertain tourists and make extra cash. Gotta say that I may not get paid much but the perks are suh-WEET. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|07:19 am] |
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Does anyone know where you can get prescription contacts online without having to fax in your Rx? Mine just ran out and I don't get vision covered at work. I'm thisclose to being fucking blind and it is not cool, yo. |
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| Spaced Raiders Mascot! |
[Aug. 17th, 2004|12:56 pm] |
OK, a little explanation is in order. Chris started a Fantasy Football League and he named it Spaced Raiders. (ie Raiders from outer space, or space pirates) - i decided that he needed a mascot. I spent like an hour doing this at work (hello, i am so not artistically inclined!) and here was the results...
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2004|10:23 am] |
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Last night I had a dream that I was driving my mom's old white Camry which had the worst brakes in the world. I was trying to stomp on the brakes, but the car kept on rolling down the hill. I woke up because Chris was stomping on my foot. Turns out I thought HIS foot was the brake pedal and I was repeatedly stomping on it to make the car stop. He woke up and got pissy, and started stomping on my foot to get me back. I don't know what's funnier - the fact that I was using his foot for a brake in my dream or that he's so childish that he woke up and immediately started stomping on my foot. |
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| At least he had his priorities in gear... |
[Aug. 14th, 2004|09:02 am] |
(pardon the pun)
Man Drives Into Lake, Tries to Smoke Crack
Sat Aug 14, 5:46 AM ET Add Strange News - AP to My Yahoo!
NORTH PATCHOGUE, N.Y. - A police chase ended when a Long Island motorist drove into a backyard pond and tried to smoke a crack pipe just before his car sank, police said.
Officers tried to stop Yasyn Abdul-Mattin, 32, after seeing him driving erratically at about 12:16 a.m. Friday, Suffolk County Police said.
Instead of pulling over, Abdul-Mattin took off and went up a private driveway, continuing into a backyard pond, police said in a news release.
Police said Abdul-Mattin refused to get out of the car and tried to light a crack pipe instead. Just before the car sank, he climbed out a rear window that an officer had broken, police said.
Police said they were charging Abdul-Mattin, of Smithtown, with driving while impaired by drugs and several traffic violations. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2004|01:45 pm] |
Man trying to lose 800 pounds
Doctors treat man who once weighed half a ton
Wednesday, August 11, 2004 Posted: 2:23 PM EDT (1823 GMT)
SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota (AP) -- A man who once weighed more than half a ton has lost 321 pounds under the care of a team of doctors and hopes to lose 450 pounds more.
Patrick Deuel, 42, of Valentine, Nebraska, weighed 1,072 pounds when he was admitted to Sioux Falls' Avera McKennan Hospital eight weeks ago. Deuel, who is just under 6 feet tall, is on a 1,200 calorie-a-day diet.
"If we hadn't gotten him here, he'd be dead now," said Fred Harris, Deuel's lead doctor.
The former restaurant manager has been bedridden since last fall. He has battled heart failure, thyroid problems, diabetes, pulmonary hypertension and arthritis, and needed help just to roll over in bed.
"Until recently, I wasn't able to see any light at the end of the tunnel," he said Monday from his hospital bed.
A group known as the League of Human Dignity helped arrange for Deuel to be driven to a local livestock scale, where he could be weighed.
According to the Guinness World Records Web site, the record for heaviest man in the world is 1,397 pounds (629 kilograms), held by Jon Brower Minnoch of Bainbridge, Washington, who died in 1983.
Deuel, who has battled weight problems all his life and blames his condition in part on genetics, said it took months to find a hospital. Hospitals closer to his home balked at admitting him, he said.
"I got scared because I couldn't help him anymore, and I didn't know who would help him," said his wife, Edith.
Harris said Deuel's care could cost millions of dollars, much of which the hospital may have to cover. Officials found a special ambulance, and hospital workers joined two beds to accommodate Deuel.
One of Deuel's goals is to walk out of the hospital. He also wants to go to a Nebraska Cornhuskers football game, and just take a walk with his wife.
"Even though he's faced negativity all these years, he's not a negative person," Edith Deuel said. "He's almost always been able to stay bubbly and make jokes and be happy."
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I saw this article on CNN. I want to cut out this statement, which I would then mail to Alanis Morisette with the explanation that THIS is what true irony is:
"A group known as the League of Human Dignity helped arrange for Deuel to be driven to a local livestock scale, where he could be weighed." |
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