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(no subject) [Apr. 25th, 2007|03:08 pm]
I haven't updated this in a while. Here's a shocker - there's absolutely nothing different going on in my life. Stay tuned for more developments - here's a cliffhanger. I have gas.
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When it rains, it fucking POURS. [Apr. 15th, 2005|11:42 am]
Wow. I have had a HELL of a week. My dog gets his back broken, goes into surgery. My friend gets hit by a car and has a SCARY close call in the hospital (fractured skull, kidney failure). I can't visit or do anything because it's all up north. My car breaks down completely (head gasket shot to shit) and I have to get a car somehow this wkd with absolutely no cash (hello financing). Finally, I break down and go see my ex because I'm freaking out about all these prior things. I find out that he's dating some Korean chick which pissed me off to no end because I think I gave him a fetish. So I sleep with him.

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Dog Troubles [Mar. 30th, 2005|09:50 am]
My miniature dachsund at home named Sumo got in a pretty bad accident. He was running around in the backyard and I think he tripped on a gopher hole, and he basically ripped his spine open. I called the vet to find out what happened, and he said that Sumo ruptured one of the discs in his back, and some fluid got out (very painful) and my mom delayed a night of taking him to the hospital because she didn’t understand how serious it was. He was in horrific pain, but now he can’t feel anything. As a result, Sumo is paralyzed from the waist down. My mom called me and said that she was going to have to put Sumo down, and I was freaking out and I called the doctor. He said that Sumo is actually in no pain anymore because he's friggin' paralyzed. Basically, he would have to get one of those little carts and my mom would have to learn how to use a catheter so he could relieve himself.

But my mom told him she couldn’t afford the surgery, so they didn’t do anything for him all day. Even if he got surgery that moment, there’s only a 25-50% chance that he’d be able to walk again. I told him that I would pay for it (Five thousand dollars), and I would set up a payment plan/loan/whatever. I was pretty much bawling at my desk at WORK at this point, because I was so upset that this happened – and because my mom let this happen. I know it’s not her fault, but it broke my heart to think that Sumo was in pain all night and his legs could have been saved if she had taken him right away. I was also really upset because my mom was so ready to have him put down. I talked to her later, and she explained that she was going to put him down because she thought he was in pain – but since he’s now paralyzed, he has no pain. My co-workers overheard everything because this office is so tiny. I finally closed my door and crawled under my desk and called Lisa, crying my ass off. I talked my mom into letting me pay for the operation, to at least give him a chance of walking again. And I explained to her that he wasn't in any kind of horrific pain, so she shouldn't put him down.

Anyways, I found out that my co-worker told my boss about everything. Hopefully she left out the part where I was crying hysterically. Since Dick (my boss) is a HUGE animal lover and a big softie, he called me to tell me that he’d pay for the entire operation. I was so touched, I started bawling again. My mom didn't believe that they'd really do it until my co-worker called them and just told 'em to put it on his credit card. Then SHE started bawling at the hospital. He had the surgery yesterday morning and the doctor told me that rather than just 25%; Sumo now has 85% chance of walking again after a couple of months. Apparently he had broken his back in TWO places. One of them was an old fracture that had never been taken care of - quite common in dachsunds. And this is what happens when man plays God with animals...dogs were never meant to be so elongated. Anyways, I LOVE my boss. He's the nicest guy in the entire world. It meant the world to me that he would step up like that.

On the bright side, if the surgery doesn’t work, I’m going to get him one of those bitchin’ little carts. And I’ll paint it bright red and put flame decals on the side. I'm also thinking about telling my friend at Mtv to get him on PIMP MY RIDE. Seriously, how fucking funny would that be? Watching Xzibit pimp out a little tiny cart for a dachshund with little tiny rims, and hydraulics. I think they'd do it just to be funny.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

(pre-broken back of course)
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Britney's Magic Trick [Feb. 15th, 2005|01:38 pm]

OK, I just had to post this because it looks like Britney is magically pulling her chihuahua out of the gaping vagina between her legs. I realize that it's just thigh-fat, and not really a vagina, but hey - it looks like it.

(no subject) [Feb. 13th, 2005|11:03 pm]
You shouldn't be allowed to say that you're fascinated with metaphysics, unless you can actually spell it. It's metA- not metE-. Ass.
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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2004|10:43 am]

Mmmmm...sacrilege is hot. Hello, Father JULY!
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(no subject) [Oct. 24th, 2004|11:40 am]
Okay, this just made my fucking weekend...

Here's Ashlee Simpson's spectacular performance on SNL...


Now here's her sadass excuse after the show...


(It might run a little slow.)

This proves that everything is right in the world.
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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2004|01:47 pm]
When it was announced this past summer that Jay-Z was ending his involvement in Roc-A-Fella Records and the Rocawear clothing line, there were whispers of a strained relationship. Now Jay-Z is about to take the next step by going into business on his own with a brand of booze to compete against Dash's Armandale vodka.

"Jay is about to launch his own line of cognac with Grey Goose," said our source. "This seems innocuous, but it is his first real venture without Damon. He does not want Damon to be a part of it."

Jay-Z's cognac will have some competition from Roc-A-Fella rapper Cam'ron, who told Women's Wear Daily he's also launching a cognac: "It's called Sizzurp. You know, like, syrup with an izzurp." It is not known whether Dash is partners with Cam'ron in the hip-hop hooch.

What's funnier? A shitty, badly named cognac that tastes like syrup, or the fact that a rapper was interviewed by Women's Wear Daily.
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2004|07:47 am]
This last post was brought to you by the friendly people at Starbucks. Killing millions of people every day by caffeine, caffeine-induced rants, and their respective fallouts.
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2004|07:46 am]
Haven't updated in a while because there hasn't been anything worth updating for. It's just "blah blah blah I'm busy, boring movie this, lame ass actor that". I get bored just typing about how boring it iszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*snort*. Which isn't to say that I haven't been accessing LJ at all because I religiously read YOUR udpates and am living vicariously through all of you. Oh, that's right. Every "friends" page that I'm popping up on right now, I read your shit on a somewhat daily basis.

Wait, is that creepy? Don't stop typing! Please? That's right, let me lull you in a false sense of security until I go all SWWF (Single WhiteWashed Female) on you and show up at your place of work looking and talking exactly like you and ursurping your life because I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.


God I need to get out more.
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